Up a notch

Wow..it hit me like a brick today. I kept trying to distract myself but today was not one of those days where I could succeed. I was busy Abbu but I couldn’t stop hurting. I couldn’t stop thinking that its done. You are gone. No longer in my life anymore. I called Ammi. She had her Dyson in her hand, as you know she loves to use that machine. Made me think she might be better but I was wrong. Her distractions are not working. She keeps choking up at the thought of you gone.

She is very sad that she ever nagged you. She loves you so much and I think she has always known no one can spoil her and love her like you did. And anyway, who can ever live without the angel they got used to? Did we take you for granted?

Abbu she reminded me of your dream that you had a few months ago where Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) was putting his ring on your finger. I still remember you telling me and wondering what that dream meant. I guess we should’ve known that it would be your time to go.

I finally went to the gym today. I also did groceries. I had a few people come for condolences but my facial muscles are dragging downwards. I can’t seem to bring them up even a notch. I just cant smile anymore. Abbu, it started yesterday and I thought it was the result of the vaccine. Really, a part of me wants to believe that my sadness is caused by a chemical imbalance in my head. But you know what? Kamran has been this way ever since you left us. He told me today that the sadness has just come to stay. I texted Selma and asked her: Do we ever get better? She said we just learn to live with it.

I went on a rant today when another friend called and told them all about how wonderful a person you were. I feel silly doing it because you are my father so obviously I would be in awe of you – then I realize that everyone is in awe of you, not just me. You have been that gift to mankind. She called you ‘cultured’..I think you’d have been flattered. Dont you think?

Today’s wave went up a notch from yesterday. I surfed on it a bit longer and had Kamran to share it with. I think its preparing me for the tsunami next week but I don’t think I’d have anyone to hold on to while I drown. I miss you Abbu. I wish I could be with you – soon inshallah.