Fear

Salam Abbu

Its the second Friday and Ammi said she’s been seeing you like a young handsome guy in her dreams. You have dark hair and are giving her instructions on things. Sara dreamt you hugged her and as she woke up she felt it.

While I am still waiting.

I look at the sun and realize we dont share that anymore. Nor the moon as it lightens my earth. Nor the air that I breathe and you don’t. Is it because they are crying more than I am? Or is it because they loved you more? Or is it because you always thought I was very strong and could handle myself very well?

I am scared Abbu. I texted Fatma. Gave her some instructions on how to handle me in case I walk into the house on Sunday and grief finally hits me. I am glad you won’t be there to see it. Your concern over my health would leave me embarrassed. But I know what usually happens after I have digested the bitter pill.

I stop breathing. Until I turn blue. And I want to come back to my children safe and sound. So I had to tell Fatma what to do.

You called me your brave practical child. I don’t feel too brave nowadays. I wish I could ask you to make dua for me – but you don’t even come in my dreams. I am not as brave as you always thought I was. Nor as practical that emotions didn’t overwhelm me. I am just not the person who could burden my parents with my pains and hence I was the strong person that never needed you.

But I did. I do need you. Yesterday someone was over and she mentioned your favorite movie Munna Bhai. I instantly said its your favorite..and then corrected myself..’was’ your favorite.

Past tense. Never realized how painful the past tense could be.