Guilty

Salam Abbu

I am thinking of the residents of Emaar today. They are waking up to a day of Eid – a day of family and joy – yet they are not happy. They are crying because you have abandoned your role as head of household. Ammi doesn’t have to iron your thobe for the eid prayers and Mustafa is not coming to pick you up and take you there.

Ammi said Sara is wearing your clothes all day now. She needs you close to her. Safia is always crying. There is no closure. You just left – as silently as you lived – without giving anyone any hassle. The man who went out of his comfort zone to make others happy, never asked for anything in return and wanted to see a smile on the face of others – you didn’t let us even make the effort of flying out for you – to say goodbye.

It was April 10th this year when I saw dreams about your funeral and Fatma visiting you at the time. I should have taken them seriously but all I did was tell Fatma to go visit you – thinking you needed her there.

Yet when she finally went to Jeddah to visit 2 weeks before you left us, I had a nagging feeling in my heart that something was going to happen. Yet I didn’t take heed. I didn’t do anything. I just called Safia and said, I think this might be it for Abbu because I saw it in my dream. And she told me to not say that. Now …I am avoiding the issue. I am pretending that its not my fault – yet Abbu, it is. Is that why you won’t come in my dreams anymore? Because a sign was sent to me and I didn’t visit you? Today I thought about this and just blocked it all from my mind. I distracted myself and laughed with the kids and the minute you came into my vision, I turned away. I don’t want to think of you gone. I just want to be happy. I just want to know you are there, somewhere. Yes I feel guilty. Guilty that I ignored my dream since I get so many that turn out to be true.

Today was the day of Arafat. I prayed for you and for us. But did I do enough? I see people worshiping all day and I think to myself that I just don’t do enough. Is that why you are not so happy with me? I dont know. I feel numb today. Can’t feel anything. Hearing my sisters cry and my mother cry – i just can’t take it. Please visit Safia. She needs to see you Abbu. I can’t bear her crying so much. And Sara..your little Sara..she is hurting so much. And Yusuf and Mustafa – they dont show any emotions but they loved you. Fatma? I think her kids are not letting her grieve.

Then there’s me. Numb. In denial. Guilty. I love you so much though.