If someone had asked me some years ago, what do I desire – I would have said a custom built home. I love all things home and designing one was my dream. I drew floor plans in my mind. I drew them on napkins. I looked at land and drooled. I collected pricing on construction and contractors. I nagged my husband day and night to get land and build.
Today if you ask me what I desire and I think it through – I desire nothing from this world. I don’t care to work for that white floor I’ve always wanted, nor that stone wall, nor that white kitchen. I don’t draw floor plans anymore and am truly grateful for what I have in its shape and form. Objectively, its not that I made myself stop wanting or desiring things but Allah has put peace in my heart and changed my focus to something else.
It’s not that I don’t look at options for better dining chairs since mine are in bad shape, or for clothes that I need to wear to a wedding. I just end up looking and then putting it away, having no desire to really dwell on it..making do with how things are for now. For a moment I wondered if its a bad thing to feel this way. Shouldn’t I have something fun to look forward to, work towards, acquire and enjoy? What’s the point of living if one doesn’t enjoy life’s finer things?Am I depressed or something?
I don’t think so. I think I have realized that this life is going to end soon and my focus needs to shift from its temporary acquisitions to what I will need when I go to the next home. When I think of what I desire, I desire to meet my father again. I desire to see the Prophet and drink from his hands (pbuh). I desire to see Allah and talk to Him. This makes my heart glow and makes me want to clean my heart out. For Allah says that the person with a pure/sound heart will be the one that goes to heaven and see Him, talk to Him and be in a good place.
I may sound and seem complacent, sad or depressed but I am not. I am just waiting to get what I really want. Inshallah!
The Saudi Expat 