Almost

I almost called you.

It’s easy to forget so far away that you are actually not on this earth. I can’t tell you things that I want to. You know, Emaad got accepted into the co-op program Abbu. You would have been so happy. I wanted to share the news and realized I couldn’t. And I would never be able to.

Ammi wants to change your green chair. She says it hurts her to even look at it. I told her to sell it but she said she can’t part with it. It was where you lived in the past year. But maybe she’ll change the cover color. That might do the trick. You think? huh…I don’t think so. That house, its walls have your aura. The soundless quiet of your existence was so loud that its not possible to move away from it. I am only feeling the slight vibrations thousands of miles away.

I am scared Abbu. The thought of walking into apartment 601-B is scaring me. Thought of collapsing into a mess is sending panicky thoughts inside me. It’s making me realize how I have never been close enough to anyone to share the storm that lingers inside me and how we as siblings, as family are strangers to each others emotions. I wont have the family that I can share my ‘ghum’ with..The chest that has been carrying the ball will burst. I wish I can just let it all out here so I am empty when I get there. Ammi will not know what to do. Ammi will breakdown. I know it.

Please Abbu – can you ask Allah to just help us be happy even without you? I don’t like being practical on the outside and so impractical on the inside. Actually what am I saying..I can ask Allah myself. I do ask Him. Maybe the stone face that I am walking around with is the result of my prayers. When I hear Safia’s sobs every time we speak, I realize I am frozen or maybe just numb, or maybe just my practical self. I don’t know which. It’s probably Allah helping me not cry.

We drove to Fm’s today for Eid and Zayna said, last eid we were driving to Reshma aunty’s and we were on the phone with Abbu. We did everything one does on eid. Meet. Eat. But you were constantly in my mind. Life was going on but the heart was heavy. Conversation was stilted. The mind occupied. I miss you Abbu